How did a young, passionate girl go from dancing her way around New Zealand to stuck in bed? It's a good question that I am  still unsure of to this day. If you look online you'll find countless articles suggesting chronic illness stems from Long COVID, black mould, chronic stress, trauma, dna / genetics and so on. I don't want to share this story to tell people to avoid these things, but rather how to take care of yourself before chronic illness forces you to.  

 

Growing up I was such a little diva, always making outfits and dreaming of being a Bratz Doll. My biggest dream was to be a fashion designer in New York City. Growing up on farms and in the countryside I really had a thrilling childhood full of adventure and creativity. As time went on things became unsettling and unfortunately I found myself living in a lot of distress. I became a person I wasn't proud of. My life became filled with substances, domestic and sexual violence. Space for chaos and theft to thrive, I was on a downward spiral. During those years I knew that lifestyle wasn't for me, but I wasn't sure how to get out of it, So I did the only thing I knew how to do and ran away. I packed a bag and all my art supplies, and moved to Hawke's Bay. 

 

In Hawke's Bay, I met my partner Jesse, he helped me achieve sobriety and banish my bad habits. His family took me in as their own. Their kindness motivated me to completely turn my life around. I remember being so proud of myself for all the changes I had made, but I still didn't feel secure. At age 19, I decided I needed money, a career and stability and I was going to do anything I could to achieve that. 

 

I started my own cleaning company, working day and night. I spent my weekends dancing, performing. I never took a break. I persistently used my “spare time” to increase my income, ranging from learning stocks and finances to studying business in night classes. I truly felt that if I could maintain this pace I would never have to worry about stability again; that has been the only thing that ever mattered to me since living without it. In all honesty it became an addiction, I truly didn't feel safe unless I was working. 

 

This all continued on for a couple years until my body finally said no and pulled the emergency break. At the age of 22 I found myself working for an extremely volatile local business, there was verbal and physical violence and all types of sickening experiences. I spent my free time selling tickets for my “2024 Burlesque Workshop Tour”, completing my night classes and dancing on weekends. I was exhausted. 

 

Although I had spent so much effort running away from my previous life, it seemed to follow me and tore me down. Violent ex partners wouldn't let me rest, bosses wouldn't let me breathe, Even my room mate at the time caused huge distress. I won't go into detail but my whole life felt like a bomb about to go off and I just kept having to hold it together.  

 

One day my whole world changed, I was at work and got hit by this sudden wave of panic and dizziness. I was sure I had somehow broken my brain. I wish I could say that things changed but they didn't; it only got worse. The pain was unbearable and the mental sensations were unbelievable. I essentially became agoraphobic within a week. My illness took everything away from me. My ability to walk, stand up, eat, drink, drive, shower and more. I couldn't even remember my phone number or address due to fatigue. I spent about 9 - 11 hours a day watching youtube videos about CFS, Burnout, anxiety and chronic illness determined that I needed to get back to work asap. I needed to recover. 

 

Almost a year passed, and I got worse. My life was filled with terror from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, pain, fatigue, unbearable dizziness, and constant immune issues.. At this point I wasn't seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I had seen countless articles about people suffering for 40+ years and decided that wasn't going to be me. So I created a “due date” … as in, if I wasn't better by this date I would end my suffering. That day came, I cried to my partner and begged him to leave me and go live his life. But he didn't. So I made the most heart breaking decision of my life and I decided to stay. This was extremely hard for me to do because I didn't know if I would ever recover, or get to enjoy life again. 

 

At my worst my partner had to help me go to the bathroom and shower once a week. I was too ashamed to see my family. And completely isolated myself. I spent my days writing letters to the universe begging for recovery. 

 

I wish I could give you some grand explanation as to how I got better, but the simple truth is that I gave up the fight. I stopped endlessly researching for solutions, It took months of small moments of victory, breathing through the feelings and showing my brain that this reaction was no longer needed. It's been about 8 months since my worst, so I am still taking micro steps to my full recovery. But I am able to be up and around all day, sleep well at night, drive and walk short distances, go on coffee dates ect. I am enjoying life again despite my pain and symptoms and that's all that matters to me. My symptoms have noticeably decreased over this time period which leads me to believe that letting go of the fight is working. Finally after years of survival my body and mind are starting to feel safe. 

 

How did I begin baking? Two reasons 

A: it substituted my endless research spirals 

B: food preparation is one of the key pillars for stability. 

 

As I slowly regained the ability to do more throughout my day I found myself baking and cooking frequently. Something about the simplicity of it is really rewarding to me. I really enjoy helping and pleasing others, so seeing someone else enjoy something I made makes me happy. I've made good friends with all my neighbours through my baking and exchanging goods. It's truly been one of the most rewarding aspects of my life. And I look forward to finally being in a career that makes me feel kind, creative and stable. 

 

I spent years chasing stability, I just wanted to guarantee I would always have my needs taken care of , food, water, shelter and love. I found this in homemaking. I truly feel whole when I spend my days being creative with baking, working on small businesses, cooking dinner and enjoying it in our beautiful home. There is truly nothing more I need in this lifetime besides good food, a warm home and people to love and take care of. 

 

As for burlesque… I will always find my way back to it.  

As much as I love my little homely life, that stage is calling me. I can't wait for the day I get to be back in my handmade outfits, with my big ostrich feathers in hand. Although this time around I will be cautious and mindful of ‘over doing it’ and never jeopardize my health again. Burlesque will remain a hobby for the foreseeable future.

 

It has truly put me through an emotional whirlwind seeing people care so much about my adventure opening a micro bakery. I feel so seen, motivated and supported. The donations will be used to fund the food safety certificate and equipment. I am so grateful for this. Being ill left me in incredible financial hardship, so I never would have achieved this without the help of our community. 

 

My final words: 

The modern day human life is practically unsustainable, everyone is sick and tired. My story is common unfortunately. The world is filled with hate, bad people and unfair justice. I believe the best we can do is be kind people who help and care for others.People who do not tolerate neglect, abuse and violence. Although my baking isn't saving the world, it's one less person causing harm. It's my retaliation against the people who tried to turn me into a monster. They can take everything from me but never my peace. My contribution to this little life will be kindness and joy after a life of terror. And I hope that motivates the countless amount of people who suffer the same way I did.